Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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