ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Randomize
