Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
