You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
