I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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