Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
birth control should be required to get into college
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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