Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
