dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
