if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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