good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
