Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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