I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
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