with your own penis?
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
