It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
