I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
