you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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