you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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