when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It's never too late to be topless.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
