I molested 6 butterflies tonight
...so i touched it.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
