why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
