My sheets look like a crime scene.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
