My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
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