I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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