She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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