I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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