New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
