u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
