I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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