You smell like a Billy Joel song
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
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