Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
