You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
