i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
