oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
