I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
