We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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