If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
