Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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