I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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