i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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