Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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