Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
