I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
