actually, I'm a sock model
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
So many bounce houses so little time
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
