dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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