i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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