he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
