My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
