In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
me + whiskey = a bad person
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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