I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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