Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
