Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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